Conscription

What, is the weight of an unladen swallow?

That depends African or European Swallow?

I don't know that! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

How do you know so much about swallows?

Its a kingly thing

Conscription is the compulsory enlistment of people in some sort of national service, most often military service.

I am well aware that I came to South Africa to be a servant and do what was asked of me but on Wednesday, October 12, 2011 I was CONSCRIPTED.  Conscripted by Bob.  Conscripted to 'rescue' a swallow who was in the sanctuary and could not/would not leave.  Now, to fully understand the situation, you must know Bob.  Bob is a bird enthusiasts. Bob is a bird guide taking groups of tourist around South Africa pointing out and describing birds.  His concern for the welfare of this swallow was legitimate. 

Bob is standing on the right next the window.  Carl is in the forefront.

You also need to understand that while it is true that English is spoken in South Africa, there are countless dialect's.  My first encounter with a South African speaking English was Gert, the man I hired to fix my MacBook on the second day of my arrival, when my hard drive died.  Gert, spoke English but it sounded German to me.  Then I met Salome`, whose English sounds Dutch or Swedish.  Enters Bob (and Carl) who sound so British I couldn't stop thinking I was watching a show from the BBC. 

Look at Carl's smile. We were all dying of laughter.

With a soccer net and four dowel rods in hand, I was told I was to help him (Bob), Carl, Ginger get the swallow out of the church because it would die without food and water and wasn't leaving on its own.  The grand plan was for the four of us to cover the length of the church and catch it in the net.  Two immediate problems were obvious: the net had 5 inch x 5 inch squares and the ceiling was 6 feet above our highest reach while standing straddled on two pews (benches).  The bird merely flew from one end of the church to the other, resting in the trusses between passes.

Then Ginger and I were told to get down from straddling two benches and to scare the bird towards them.  Ginger is taking these pictures and I am using my dowel rod to bang on the walls and metal beams. Plus I was throwing anything I could find towards the bird: my sunglasses, boxed matches. Anything. If the bird flew to the south side, I went to the south side.  If the bird went to the North side,  I... you get the idea.  But remember that I don't have wings and didn't rest in the truss between each pass.

Okay, okay I will admit that it was hilariously funny for maybe the first 30 -40 minutes.  Then it grew apparent that the bird was going to have a heart attack from all this flying and I wasn't any happier than the bird.  Bob, though would not give up nor give in and decided that they needed to get higher.  So, using the pulpit to climb up onto this thin wall, and no that little room did not have a ceiling and yes, Bob nearly fell backwards off the wall.

Carl, afraid of heights would only sit on the wall.  And how did Carl get up there?  Climbed on the baptismal font of course.  Lord have mercy.  I couldn't talk the men out of giving up and live and let live.  I start quoting  Matthew 10:29 even though it's the wrong bird I thought my point was valid. "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care."

The end result was: score one for the bird - zero for the humans.  We left him there only to return the next day to two swallows in the sanctuary!